Subject: Good News!
Dear Beloved Sir;
I cannot sleep at night anymore. I am so excited; I have waited for this all my life and this breakthrough which I do not intend to miss. Please I expect that you act very diligent when you are contacted and inform me immediately so I can continue to advice and guide you to successful completion of this our project. You should always get contact with me before responding to any document back to [INSERT RUG COMPANY NAME] when they contact you. I advise always and that you do all that is asked of you immediately and everything will be fine.
Due to the time difference, they may contact you when its night (your time). Please I advice you try to keep alert and don’t sleep heavy throughout the upcoming week until you hear from [INSERT RUG COMPANY NAME] so that you can attend to them if they choose to contact you by telephone. We should be concluding this in a matter of days after a very long struggle on my side. Our roles are reversed now; you will now be the one to feed me daily with the information passed over to you when you have been contacted.
At this crucial stage of this transaction it is important we are on the same page. Please if you have any questions now. Please send them to me via email so that I can answer them and guide you adequately.
Then you have to click the below link and login with your email credentials to view the documents which were secured with your email login for security reasons to ensure that only you can see the documents upon your email login in the space provided please inform me as soon as you view your documents.
CLICK HERE TO VIEW YOUR DOCUMENTS: Crime Scene Rug!
Warm regards to you my dear friend and partner,
[INSERT NAME OF FAVOURITE RUG SALESMAN]
What a glorious long weekend! I was most fortunate this year, due in no small part to my expat dual American-Canadian status, to be able to enjoy what was essentially the perfect storm of holidays and have a four day holiday weekend. Friday was Canada Day; and Monday was of course Independence Day, both days oddly celebrating the “breaking away” of two countries from the United Kingdom, but each in a profoundly different way. But I digress. The weather was perfect, the food was perfect, the company was perfect. Who could ask for anything more? Toyota!
Those of you who have read “The Ruggist” for any length of time know I am prone to random thoughts, not at all dissimilar to the “Toyota” comment above. Many of you may even suspect me of drinking or being drunk while writing this blog, and while I emphatically deny the later, I have “no official comment” on the former. In fact it is under the influence of some very tasty local craft brewed beer, that the origin of this post began.
Picture it: 2011, Halifax (Dartmouth), Nova Scotia, 00:45 on Saturday, July 2. In the waning hours of Canada day celebrations my husband receives an email and, for whatever reason, begins to read it to me in its entirety. Roughly three-quarters of the way through I get an idea – one which seemed hilarious at the time – to turn this spam email, into a blog post. He thought better judgement would prevail, alas, it has not. So, to welcome you back to the work week I give you the following spam email. I’ve edited it slightly so that you can fill in the blank (a la madlibs!) with the name of your favourite rug company; the end result of which should be the best rug sales pitch you’ve read in a long time. Enjoy!